Short Men Need Not Apply: 5 Reasons Why I Don’t Date Men Under 5′4″

Before I get to my reasons for steering clear of the vertically challenged male.

Let me answer the question that I know is bound to come up.

Well how tall are you?

I am not ashamed to say that I am 5′4″with 3″ heels on.

You do the math.

And if you comment that I am 5′2″, please prepare to have me blast you.

I’m just saying…calculators exist.

Now to my perfectly rational (in my opinion) reasons why I don’t date men under 5′4″:

5.  Last night I found myself perched on the handle of a step stool.

I was attempting to kill a spider that had decided to live rent free in the corner of my room.

And as I precariously balanced at the top of this step stool.

All I could think about was how a man under my height requirement would be of no help.

None.

In the same vein if I have a man I know I will utter the following phrase at least once per week.

“Baby, can you reach (fill in the blank) for me?”

And if his answer is, “Hold on, let me grab the step stool.”

Well that just doesn’t cut it.  Shoot I can use the step stool my darn self.

No, I’m going to have to put my foot down and say no to that.

4.  No girl wants to look larger than she is.

I mean we go through too much to make sure that we look slim, trim, also light-skinned.

Oh hold up I started channelling Slick Rick for a second.

Seriously though, I do not need the added pressure.

And your little butt ain’t doing nothing but making me look like I done put on 5 pounds.

So Mr. Short Stuff since you are not a flattering accessory.

I must banish you to the, “Aww hell nah!!” category.

3.  My son loves roller coasters. 

And I’m talking the kind that make grown men cry and throw up just a little in their mouths.

I on the other hand do not like to ride the kid coaster at the fair.

Man, that thing is crazy rickety and it goes way too fast.

I don’t care if they let children under 3 ride. 

So if you can’t pass the height requirement to accompany my little man on the ride of his choice.

Not only do I not have need for you.

My son will probably punk you.  Head chokes and noogies.

Yeah, not a good look for a grown man.

2.  In my experience I have found that men in miniature tend to walk around with a relatively large chip on their shoulder.

Now I understand that being a little dude ain’t the easiest thing in the world.

However I don’t do well with attitude.  And short men seem to have a lot of it.

Honestly, me and attitude are like me and patron.

I acts up in combination with both.

So to keep me from snapping on fools.

I just leave said mini-men alone.

1.  Lastly, most of the smaller men I have come across are indeed small.

Get your minds out the gutter now people.  I am talking about bone structure.

They tend to be slim to a fault.

Now if you know me, then you know I ain’t never been little.

I’m a thick girl.  And on top of that I’ve been running track all my life.

So I’ve got really strong legs.  Like I maybe could crush a little person between my thighs.

Not saying I would, but hey the possibility is too high to risk.

Now I know there are a lot of height deprived men jumping up and down.

Screaming, “Oooh, oooh, pick me, pick me!”

But like your mom use to say when you were young.

“It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.”

And I can’t have that type of thing on my conscience.

So that pretty much sums it up. 

No offense to my little men but I think its in your best interest to just keep it moving.

Continue your stretching exercises.

And when you hit 5′5″ holler at a sister.

*This post is dedicated to my friend Zillz who believes that my reasons for not dating short men point to the crazy that all pretty women possess.

He has a 20% limit on crazy…I wonder if I’ve exceeded this cut off??