Happiness Is Allergic To Me

Sometimes I think happiness is allergic to me.

I’m 34 years old and I can honestly say that my encounters with the emotion are extremely limited.

And as soon as I begin to let the thought resonate with me that I might well be happy.

Bam!

Something happens that utterly destroys the possibility.

I mean I understand that life isn’t easy or fair or uncomplicated.

But I can’t help but think that something isn’t quite right.

With me.

Or maybe it’s happiness that has the issue.

On an even better day I start to think that maybe God never intended for me to be happy.

And that’s when it gets complicated for me.

Because if that is the case then who am I to question my predicament.

I remember when I was a young adult and I prayed every night for a year for God to remove a burden that I was dealing with.

It was something so heavy that it was sapping my will to live.

And praying that God would lessen that burden so that I could not take my own life.

But he didn’t.

And I came very close to ending my life.

Several times.

And I thought why would He not help me??

Why would he rather me suffer or die?

Why doesn’t he say Yes to me, to what I’m asking??

But if God says NO then who am I to say Yes I deserve some prolonged periods of happiness in my life.

Or that I even deserve life.

I mean who am I.

Well at this exact moment I am that person that happiness is allergic to.

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10 thoughts on “Happiness Is Allergic To Me

  1. Ronnie, Your post made me my heart ache. I’ve experienced your thoughts and feelings most of my life. While on rock bottom, I decided that therapy wouldn’t work for me. Therapists always wanted me to answer my own questions. Well I if could, I wouldn’t be in that shape! Duh.

    So I set out to gain the knowledge and know-how for myself from every avenue I could find to learning to be loving to myself first. It worked after several years of non stop self improvement.

    I’m writing a book. Visit my site and tell me what you think. I’d love it.

    Jilly
    http://familybalancing.wordpress.com

    • Hi Jilly. Yeah I haven’t had much success with therapist either. My last one kept telling me I had nothing to be depressed about. Which really did nothing but make me more depressed. And yes, I will definitely check out your site. Thanks for comming through, reading and commenting. It’s much appreciated.

  2. I’ve come to realize that most of us are unhappy and only parading around as if we are – finding short-term happiness in material things, mind-altering substances, etc.
    When I finally found my happiness, I also learned that it was going to take work to maintain it. I’m still at a point where I have an irrational fear of losing my happiness and going back to what I was before.
    I don’t know that I have anything enlightening to say to you, only that happiness is work and I really believe that it’s possible for everyone.

    • So glad you decided to stop by today NinaG. I’ve been persuing the self reflected happiness path recently and maybe it will prove beneficial to me as well. Thanks

  3. I believe in my heart God will provide you with happiness you are looking for. I do agree with Nina on working hard on keeping it. Don’t let anyone steal your joy Ronnie. You are an awesome woman and your day will come. Nice reading while waiting to go on my trip.

  4. Charron Darling…

    You are growing 🙂 Life is full of seasons – seasons of happiness, seasons of pain, seasons of loss, seasons of prosperity, seasons that are routine filled with sameness.

    I think once I realized that nothing could happen to me in my life that God and I could not handle, and I surrendered to believing that HE has a plan for my life – joy became a constant and there was a confidence to my living. That awareness did not take my life down a yellow brickroad of perpetual bliss – I know you know some stuff about my life… But it made it clear to me that I had choices to make in order to stay out of HIS way (my own personal detours seldom got me to the right destination) and some times I had to travel the rough road because HE was growing me up for what was coming next.

    I try to focus and be grateful (way grateful) for what is right in my life on a daily basis – because there will always be something that is not what I WANT (you know I am a little spoiled -lol). Faith and confidence have made it possible to be happy most of the time.

    Also check to see if there are physical reasons for feeling blue – diet and exercise are no joke when it comes to regulating your moods – keep the endorphins loaded. Smooches 🙂

    • I’m so glad my auntie married your brother…Not just because I get a great uncle…But also because it gave me access to his great sisters…I thank God for you and all my family daily. Love ya

  5. God doesn’t bring you happiness darling. He does watch over you to see that you are safe and provides you with strength in a time when you cannot produce your own. You need to look to yourself for happiness. And certainly not in another person because people disappoint every day. Be co-dependent on your self and you will never loose. God walks along with us (footprints remember that poem?) but he doesn’t make our choices…free will. Evaluate your past choices and see how they trend and effect your happiness. I disagree about therapy not being a good avenue. Its a place to talk to someone who is non judgemental, privately and they have ways to help you pin point destructive patterns. Like mechanics, some professionals are better than ours. Research co-dependency. A lot of time depression derives from the loss of someone (spouse, friend, family etc) and then we are left with dealing with a co-dependent issue. Good luck to you.

  6. Fran Lebowitz told me, “Happiness is a sensation, not a condition.” The more thought I gave this, the less I began to feel as if happiness were alluding me as though we’d had some sort of fallout I didn’t know about.
    Tough times don’t last. Tough people do, Candy Girl.

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