Sometimes I think happiness is allergic to me.
I’m 34 years old and I can honestly say that my encounters with the emotion are extremely limited.
And as soon as I begin to let the thought resonate with me that I might well be happy.
Something happens that utterly destroys the possibility.
I mean I understand that life isn’t easy or fair or uncomplicated.
But I can’t help but think that something isn’t quite right.
Or maybe it’s happiness that has the issue.
On an even better day I start to think that maybe God never intended for me to be happy.
And that’s when it gets complicated for me.
Because if that is the case then who am I to question my predicament.
I remember when I was a young adult and I prayed every night for a year for God to remove a burden that I was dealing with.
It was something so heavy that it was sapping my will to live.
And praying that God would lessen that burden so that I could not take my own life.
But he didn’t.
And I came very close to ending my life.
And I thought why would He not help me??
Why would he rather me suffer or die?
Why doesn’t he say Yes to me, to what I’m asking??
But if God says NO then who am I to say Yes I deserve some prolonged periods of happiness in my life.
Or that I even deserve life.
I mean who am I.
Well at this exact moment I am that person that happiness is allergic to.