I Fart, Therefore I Love You

A fart in symbol form

Image via Wikipedia


If you truly love someone then you should feel comfortable farting in front of them.  

That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  

And if I were friends with the person who came up with that classic… 

Actually, I’m glad I don’t know them.  

Because I’d have to tell them just how stupid.  

And friends don’t call friends stupid…  

Retard sometimes…  

But not stupid.  

I digress.  

If the magnitude of your love for me correlates to your ability to release gas in my presence.  

Let me say now that you can keep it to yourself.  

Both your love and gas.  

I pass.  

I’d much rather you simply felt a slight like for me.  

Which would entail holding all gaseous releases until after we part ways.  

So you might ask,  

If farting is not the way to my heart.  

Then what can a man do to prove his love??  

And I would reply,  

How about some dependability  

Or some responsibility  

Or dare I ask for some moral standards.  

A man who has personal drive, ambition and dreams.  

None of which require my drive, ambition or dreams in order to be born and propelled forward.  

I’m all for support and team work in relationships.  

But I don’t want to feel that I’m being sucked dry to keep your fire burning.  

I mean seriously this is not Vampire Diaries.  

And besides I don’t date vampires.  

I date men.  

And that is exactly what I want.  

A man.  

Yeah, I know that’s just too much to ask for.  

Farting is way easier.  

*Inspired by Plum Bananas’ Farting: A Victim’s Perspective (Part 1 of 3)  


2 thoughts on “I Fart, Therefore I Love You

  1. Ha! I definitely agree that this is no way to show love! Ditto to that and feeling “comfortable” enough to use the bathroom with the door wide open. Please leave just a bit of mystery!

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