How To Turn Me Off In 6 Easy Steps (Don’t Mess With My Chipotle)

So awhile ago I was reading Jozen Cummings blog, Until I Get Married , and ran across his post:  Unreasonable List of Things that Turn Me Off

It was cute and funny and I even laughed at the Chipotle Burrito point.

See I can laugh because I only eat Chipotle bowls…no burritos for this girl. 

But then I got to point 3 and my happy face turned upside down. 

Bullet point 3: Too into Sports

WTF!

No Chest Bumps!!

No High Fives of Fury!! !

As my inner New Yorker likes to say, “Get the f#ck outta here!”

I’m a grown woman!

If I truly love the sport and I want to cheer for my team – like every point scored depends on the fervor of said cheering – well then what about it??

And why should that be a turn off??  And then I decided to come up with my own list. 

Actually a step by step guide on how to turn me off.

So, without further ado…

If you are a man, here is how to turn me off in 6 easy steps:

1.  Enjoy shopping – Now I’m not talking about taking pleasure in the purchasing of an item, i.e. going out to buy a television or a car or even some new kicks.  What I’m speaking on is the time-honored, world-renowned sport of shopping, enjoyed by women everywhere.  The we might be out all day (I’m talking 8 hours with maybe a break for lunch) and not even come home with one item kinda shopping.  If you are the man who enjoys this…well I won’t resort to name calling.   

2.  Spend too much time in the bathroom – Now I love a man who looks sharp; takes pride in his appearance and as my son likes to say, is stylish.  But when we are regularly late for functions, gatherings and even church (why Jesus gotta wait on you??) because you are primping, then I’m leaving your ass at home.  Nuff said. 

3.  Wear tight  or tapered pants – If you wear tight pants of any kind (No I don’t care if skinny jeans are in fashion) then I have a problem with your masculinity and thus we can not move forward in our relationship.  Period, point-blank. 

4.  Cry all the time – Men who are in touch with their emotions, able to cry in either happiness or sorrow are greatly appreciated over in my camp.  However, what I can not tolerate is a man who is always whining and complaining over nonsense.  He didn’t like how I looked at him Or the tone of my voice Or how I was chatting up the cutie at the fight party :).  It is these men that need to man up and suck it up. 

5.  Over utilize emoticons – If every text, email, instant message or blackberry message you send me contains more than 1 smiley face, kissy face, hug, heart, etc., then please miss me.  You are a man, not a five-year old girl. 

6.  Smoke – If I wanted to tongue kiss an ashtray, then I would buy one of those fancy, expensive, hand-crafted to look like something other than an ashtray and kiss that.

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5 thoughts on “How To Turn Me Off In 6 Easy Steps (Don’t Mess With My Chipotle)

  1. Oh boy that is hilarious. I concur with all the above and if I may I’d like to add to your list:

    7. Sneaks/Dress shoes with NO socks: I don’t care what the excuse is…if you are wearing NO socks with them tight ass sneaks or work shoes you’ve lost ALL credibility in my book and the sharp-shooter, go-getter personality you may have has JUST evaporated.

    8. Long/Dirty FiNgErNaiLs: No, No, and No! How will you get to 2nd base with me having Freddy Krueger hands? And, if I catch you cleaning your nails with your business card or a toothpick I will drop you off at the nearest Happy Nails salon and call your momma to pick you up. That’s hygiene 101 that should have been practiced since…ummm i dunno BIRTH!

    9. Can’t work on my car? Why are you around then? If it takes you an hour to change a headlight bulb on my volvo s60 and complain the whole time that you hate European cars…move outta the way. MY OWN daddy taught me how to change/rotate tires and change out my oil by the time I was driving age…16 1/2…and I’ve always drove European cars!

    10. Beer Gut: If your belly hangs over your underwear…put them pants back on, drop the alcohol, and head to your nearest Bally’s TOTAL FITNESS. No excuses.

    11. Poor Finances: If you are dodging the repo man every other month and every three months you are ducking the landlady because your check keeps bouncing…then you need to bounce your ass right outta my life. A man who can’t handle his money can’t handle responsibility and I have NO time to teach money management courses.

    12. Undersized: Let’s just say…If I have to dig into my M.A.C. makeup bag for my tweezers to pull out what you have in those Calvin Kleins, lemme stop right there and play back the 20 fingers/Gillete 90’s hit “SHORT Bleeep MAN.” Isn’t that cute, and extra belly button! Get the Foook outta here!!!

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